Gonks Go Beat (1965)

Oh, the pain… the pain!

In the far future, the Great Galaxian sends one of his agents to end the war between the last two great nations on Earth, who cannot resolve their musical differences. Unfortunately, only his least competent emissary is available and Beat Land (‘If you’re with it, you’re in’) and Ballad Isle are about to clash again in their annual ‘Battle of the Bands’…

Where to begin? Well, in the 1950s when rock ‘n’ roll exploded into popular culture, film makers were quick to cash in. ‘Don’t Knock the Rock’ (1956), and ‘Rock! Rock! Rock!’ (1956) etc.etc. had paper thin plots, no budgets and acting to match. But they were box office gold because what they did have were performances by Little Richard, Eddie Cochran, Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers and many others. In the days before music video, where else were you going to see them on a screen? And so we come to ‘Gonks Go Beat’ (1965).

It must have looked like a sure thing. The Beatles movies were coining it in, the British Invasion was conquering the States and London seemed like the centre of the universe. A comedy musical showcasing the best of UK musical talent? What could possibly go wrong? Well… for a start the lineup of musical acts from the Decca label was not quite as stellar as it might have been. There’s no Rolling Stones and the best we get is a pre-Cream Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker hanging about as part of the Graham Bond Organisation. And there is Lulu and The Nashville Teens but time has pretty much obliterated all trace of The Long & the Short, the Trekkers, the Trolls, et al. Actually a lot of the musical numbers are hopelessly drippy ballads that allegedly advance the ‘Romeo and Juliet’ plot line. The one notable exception to all this dreck is Ginger Baker leading a room full of 20 drummers in an extended jam.

The Oscar for Best Costume Design was mysteriously lost in the post…

Many stalwarts of the UK comedy fraternity appear: Terry Scott, Jerry Desmonde (Mr Grimsdale!) and national treasure Frank Thornton as ‘Mr A & R’ who shows a hipper side than Captain Peacock ever did on ‘Are You Being Served?’ Well, not really, but he does try gawd bless him. One of the insufferable ballads is sung by the then unknown Derek Thompson, now a veteran of almost 600 episodes of BBC Saturday night medical-soap ‘Casualty’.

 

Best of all though is ‘Carry On’ star Kenneth Connor who can’t prevent a WTF expression crossing his face on more than one occasion. He plays Wilco Roger (oh my aching ribs), the Great Galaxian’s agent who is threatened with exile to the planet Gonk if he fails in his mission. Gonks were small furry toys that were popular in the 1960s (think Furbies without the creepiness). We do get a couple of brief shots of their planet and, strangely enough, it is scary. Very scary.

What is really hard to convey in words is the life sucking banality of the whole thing. Yes, you can laugh at the wobbly sets, the stupid costumes, the terrible dialogue but eventually ‘Gonks Go Beat’ (1965) will break you. It will crush you beneath a warm fuzzy blanket of dead-eyed mediocrity that will seriously damage your ability to reason coherently.

Extended exposure is not advisable.