Stryker (1983)

‘Everyone’s got their own highway to hell; you’ve got yours, and I’ve got mine.’

After the nuclear holocaust, the Earth has become an arid wasteland, and various armed factions squabble over the little water that remains. One group has discovered an underground spring, making them the target for an army of vicious marauders…

More post-apocalyptic action with this week’s bargain basement ‘Mad Max’ arriving in the form of beefcake American actor Steve Sandor. Cirio H Santiago contributes the original story and directs the action, which comes direct from the rock quarries and gravel pits of the Philippines to a high street video rental store near you.  

Earth is a scorched and barren desert in the years after the nuclear holocaust. It no longer rains, and water has become the only resource that matters. Leather-clad warrior Stryker (Sandor) rides the empty highways in his interceptor after breaking from the community led by his brother Trun (Ken Metcalfe). One day, he runs across mysterious brunette Delha (Andria Savio) being chased by raiders from the army of his old enemy, Kardis (Mike Lane). Sandor rescues the girl and takes her to Metcalfe’s settlement, but Lane’s forces are still in hot pursuit. Savio is the daughter of Metcalf’s ex-partner (Don Gordon Bell), who discovered an underground spring seven years earlier and, rather than share the wealth, has kept its existence secret. That decision hasn’t sat well with Savio, who has determined to seek out Metcalfe and bring his people to join the community at the caves.

Unfortunately, the merciless Lane has tumbled to the fact that she knows about a secret stash of H20 and realises that he must seize it to retain his power. Lane and Sandor also have a history, with the warlord killing the latter’s wife and then losing his hand when Sandor’s men mount a rescue attempt. Given his traumatic history, Sandor is reluctant to join the defenders of the spring but finds himself conflicted by his growing feelings for Savio. The same decision is a no-brainer for his occasional sidekick, Bandit (William Ostrander), who has fallen hard for sexy Amazon warrior Laurenz (Julie Gray). When Metcalfe’s second in command, Bazil (Joseph Zucchero) betrays the community to Lane, Sandor must make an important choice: go his own way or stand and fight.

The international phenomenon that is Mad Max took a huge step towards its iconic status with the release of ‘Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior’ (1981). Its success coincided rather neatly with the sudden explosion of VHS home rental, which changed the movie viewing habits of a generation and, arguably, paved the way for the streaming culture we enjoy today. One of the main consequences at the time was that it created an overwhelming and immediate demand for new content, which resulted in seemingly every low-budget genre movie made in the previous decade getting transferred to tape and stuck in a big, shiny plastic box with misleading artwork. It also provided a business opportunity for low-budget filmmakers all over the world to jump onto whatever bandwagon was ringing the box office bell at the time.

What made the post-apocalyptic genre such a target for this kind of treatment is obvious. Little was required beyond some beaten-up vehicles, a few good-looking guys and girls, an arsenal of guns, a stunt crew and a patch of desert. It’s a simple formula, and the script writes itself. Filipino writer-director Cirio H Santiago was one of the first out of the gate with this film, which proved crucial. Max was so fresh in the public’s mind that the film got into British and American theatres before its inevitable debut on video. The UK release may have been limited, but oddly enough, the film surfaced on several separate occasions at my local cinema back in the day. 

The film opens with the usual mushroom cloud footage and the stentorian tones of VoiceOver Man. He lays down the familiar post-apocalyptic rap, finishing with his key message: ‘Whoever controls the water controls the world’. The subsequent conflict turns out to be a wrestling match between Bell’s peaceful settlers (aided by crossbow-wielding amazons in dune buggies!) and Lane’s leather-clad bad guys with poor personal grooming habits. Sandor’s Stryker is the wild card in the pack, sworn to kill the psychotic Lane but unwilling to join Metcalfe, who he feels is just the other side of the same coin. However, Sandor isn’t as committed to the lone wolf gig as he pretends, taking on an unofficial partner in Ostrander and later befriending a band of the Jawas’ post-apocalyptic cousins, played by dwarves in monk’s robes who speak in semi-comprehensible gibberish. 

Sandor rocks a lethal cowboy hat, beard and headband combo and is an expert at posing heroically against a dramatic skyline. He’s also a man of few words (almost none, actually), making Mel Gibson’s Max seem like a veritable chatterbox. But, crucially, he’s a gentleman, wrapping the topless Savio in his jacket after he saves her from one of Lane’s rape gangs. By then, we already know he’s our hero because he gives the thirsty Jawas some of his water without accepting anything in return. On the other hand, Lane cuts the ration for his injured men because ‘water is only for those who are productive’. Sandor is also handy with heavy weapons, a vital skill in a world where a gun battle breaks out more often than I lose my glasses. This mayhem is usually accompanied by a thumping synthesiser score courtesy of Ed Gatchalian that’s so 1980s it hurts.

The plot is as basic as it gets, being little more than an excuse to string together a series of action scenes. Almost as soon as a character opens their mouth to speak, someone comes riding in with guns blazing for some reason or other, and we’re into another storm of bullets and mild vehicular mayhem. Familiar elements such as character notes, relationship dynamics, and the most basic story details are all sacrificed on the altar of stunt work and explosions. Late on, Santiago does provide a bit of human interaction before the climactic battle, but it’s perfunctory at best. Sandor and Lane’s historical antagonism is sketched out in a couple of black-and-white flashbacks, but they still don’t provide much detail. We see Sandor tortured by Lane’s thugs, who also kill his wife, and then the villain has his hand lopped off at the wrist in some related aggro afterwards. What led to all this is never referenced. Given all this, this must have been one of the shortest scripts in cinema history and a boon to any cast member who didn’t relish learning lines. 

Santiago’s priority here is that action, of course, and he delivers, albeit in the kind of low-budget way you’d probably expect. The stunts aren’t spectacular, but they are professional, although some awkward editing seems to have been necessary at certain moments. There is one standout, however, when Ostrander takes a punch and falls off the tanker he’s trying to board onto the roof of the speeding car in pursuit. It’s the actor and not a stunt double, and he deserves a lot of credit for carrying out the fall because it looks genuinely dangerous. What isn’t so impressive, though, is military half-tracks wobbling along rough quarry roads and a car exploding into flames when it runs lamely into some piles of tyres. As usual, everyone has fuel to burn despite the water shortage. This is a little odd when you consider that water is a necessary part of the process of refining oil into petrol. It is a puzzle why everyone’s obsessed with water, though. If you want to make a killing in the post-apocalyptic global economy, it’s the headband concession that you need to control!

There are plenty of bare breasts to help establish the project’s exploitation credentials, although some nudity has been trimmed from the version of the film generally available today. This cut runs three minutes shorter than the original big-screen release and has likely also lost some violent moments. The Amazons are great fun, though, riding around on trikes and in dune buggies. Blonde leader Cerce (Monique St. Pierre) is an uncompromising hard-ass and handy with a machine gun, and her sisters are deadly with their bows. They all wear a killer combo of short shorts, headbands and American football shoulder pads; haute couture for the end of days. Their makeup and hair also suggest there’s a beauty salon located somewhere out in the gravel pits. Unfortunately, the guys only get some half-baked fetish gear, Mohican hairdos and the obligatory headbands.

Santiago entered the Filipino film industry in the mid-1950s and had already chalked up more than 40 directing credits before he started getting some American backing and international distribution in the mid-1970s. This ongoing arrangement was a hook-up with legendary producer Roger Corman’s New World Pictures, which saw him working with future mainstream directors such as Jonathan Demme and Curtis Hanson. He co-wrote ‘TNT Jackson’ (1974) with actor Metcalfe, who often appeared before the camera in subsequent projects, although he was absent from ‘Vampire Hookers’ (1978) with John Carradine. After his first examination of the world’s end, the director returned to the wasteland for ‘Wheels of Fire’ (1984) and ‘Equaliser 2000’ (1987). Variations on the theme followed with ‘The Sisterhood’ (1988) and ‘Future Hunters’ (1988) before he reverted to the basic template with ‘Dune Warriors’ (1991) and ‘Raiders of the Sun’ (1992) in the following decade. Fittingly, his final project was ‘Water Wars’ (2014), which was completed by Jim Wynorski when he died during production.

There’s very little creative or compelling about Santiago’s film, but if you have a soft spot for these wasteland warrior flicks, it gets the job done.

2020 Texas Gladiators/Anno 2020 – I gladiatori del futuro (1983)

‘Where can I find these people you mention, who construct?’

In the aftermath of the atomic war, only a band of fighters called the Rangers attempt to stand against the chaos. Disillusioned with the violence necessary to keep order, one of them joins a group trying to build a peaceful future…

More Post-Apocalyptic fun times from co-directors Joe D’Amato and George Eastman. Signing up for this cut-price ‘Mad Max’ workout are actors Harrison Muller and Al Cliver.

Civilisation has collapsed in the wake of an atomic war, leaving a wasteland overrun with marauding gangs and warlords. The remnants of the Texas Rangers attempt to protect the innocent, intervening when bandits attack a makeshift church. During the mayhem, one of the Rangers, Catch Dog (Daniel Stephen), attempts to rape the pretty blonde survivor, Maida (Sabrina Siani). His colleague, Nisus (Cliver), intervenes, and their commander, Jab (Muller), throws Stephen out of the group. Siani persuades Cliver to abandon his life of violence and join a permanent settlement that is generating its own energy.

Sometime later, Cliver has established himself as one of the community’s leaders. He and Siani also have a young daughter, Kezia (Isabella Rocchietta). However, the colony is in the crosshairs of The Black One (Donald O’Brien) and his private army of troops and bikers, known as the New Order. Led by ex-Ranger Stephen, they attack the settlement and take over, reducing the population to slaves. Fortunately, Muller and what remains of his Rangers are still on duty and decide to take a hand.

In the wake of the global success of ‘Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior’ (1981), several similar projects landed on the shelves of high street Video Home Rental stores, courtesy of the Italian film industry. Some were blatant knock-offs of the Mel Gibson juggernaut, but others sneaked into the frame thanks to broadly similar Post-Apocalyptic credentials and creative titles. This film is one of the latter breed, having more in common with a survivalist drama than a ride down desert highways dodging guys with Mohicans and feathers.

Indeed, there’s very little to qualify this as a science fiction film at all beyond an alleged Post-Apocalyptic setting that has left the countryside a surprisingly healthy shade of green. Stephen has a strange-looking gun that makes a bit of a funny noise, and Muller briefly drives a dune buggy that qualifies as a bit futuristic because it’s got a silver paint job. The subsequent chase with bikers in pursuit barely lasts a minute but features very early on in the film’s trailer. For anyone looking for ‘Mad Max’ comparisons, that’s about it.

Many Post-Apocalyptic action films owe a significant debt to the Western, but this one is more blatant than most. Not only does the initial attack on the settler’s community evoke memories of a cavalry fort under siege, but Muller and his band of heroes eventually ally with a tribe of Native Americans living in the woods! Of course, this is only possible after Ranger Halakron (Peter Hooten) has defeated the tribe’s leading warrior in a ritualistic knife fight lifted straight from 1950s Hollywood. Joining up with these locals proves to be the turning point in their conflict with the New Order. O’Brien’s forces have mastery in combat because they are armed with bulletproof shields, but fortunately, a letterbox was incorporated into the design, so they are not arrow-proof. Perhaps O’Brien should ask for a refund from the manufacturer.

The film’s Western roots are further betrayed by a scene where Muller and Hooten penetrate O’Brien’s camp, and find themselves in the local watering hole. This is nothing less than an old-style frontier saloon, the only difference being that the game here is not poker, but Russian Roulette. In scenes obviously inspired by ‘The Deer Hunter’ (1978), Muller joins the game, only to provoke a fight. The subsequent arrests are made by, you guessed it, an older guy wearing a Tin Star. It’s nice to know that there are still job openings for a reliable Sheriff after the apocalypse.

The action is mainly restricted to gun battles, spiced up with some hand-to-hand combat, and it’s all staged competently enough, with Ranger Red Wolfe (Hal Yamanouchi) demonstrating a few good moves. The production’s only real surprise is a story development around the half-hour mark, which is unusual enough to prompt the notion that it may have been necessitated by some practical issue rather than being a creative choice on the part of the filmmakers. The film is far bloodier than most of its contemporaries, with many a stuntman wired with a squib as he bites the dust. There’s also more casual nudity than usual, with a good number of topless shots reflecting director D’Amato’s parallel career in the adult entertainment industry. He had more directorial pseudonyms than the most committed of identity thieves, running up almost 200 credits in a career of just over a quarter of a century.

The results of his labours are serviceable here if you’re not too critical, but it’s fair to say that the film has more than its share of flaws. When there has to be dialogue, it’s often awkward and clunky, and the script does feel as if it’s been assembled without due care or attention. The narrative makes a couple of time jumps, which aren’t sufficiently demonstrated, and the early scenes in the settlement are likely to raise the odd giggle. Cliver has become its de facto leader, and no one else is remotely capable of doing anything without him. When their mysterious energy source is on the verge of exploding, only Cliver knows what to do, and only he can enter the room with ‘the switches that must be turned off’ to save the day. Honestly, I don’t know how they managed to last a day before he joined them.

D’Amato’s partner in crime here was George Eastman, real name Luigi Montefiori, who also worked on the script. To lovers of cult cinema, the 6′ 6¾″ giant is likely far more familiar for his work in front of the camera than behind it. Although he only directed one other film, ‘Metamorphosis’ (1990), he has writing credit on more than 40 films. Beginning in Spaghetti Westerns, including ‘Keoma’ (1976) starring Franco Nero, his work ranged from Sergio Martino’s ‘The Great Alligator/Il fiume del grande caimano’ (1979) to ‘Porno Holocaust (1981), in which he starred with an uncredited D’Amato in support, to disposable action flicks like Duccio Tessari’s ‘Beyond Justice’ (1991). As an actor, he brought his physicality and charisma to witchcraft horror ‘Baba Yaga’ (1973) with Carroll Baker and Mario Bava’s kidnap drama ‘Rabid Dogs/Cani arrabbiati’ (1974), among many other titles. But he’s probably best remembered for his Post-Apocalytic adventures as Big Ape in ‘2019: After the Fall of New York’ (1983) and as the psychotic One in ‘The New Barbarians/I nuovi barbari/Warriors of the Wasteland (1983).

If you keep your expectations pretty low, you might not be disappointed.

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

‘Be quiet and watch out for mutants.’

The life of a lone drifter in the atomic wasteland is saved after a motorcycle crash by a sect of supernatural monks. They enlist his reluctant help to defeat a powerful fascist warlord…

Absurdist cavalcade of Post-Apocalyptic nonsense from writer-director David Worth. Robert Ginty is this week’s Mad Max on a Mission, assisted by Persis Khambatta and Fred Williamson in his struggle with the evil Donald Pleasance.

After the Radiation Wars and the collapse of civilisation, the world has entered a new dark age. A leather-clad Rider (Ginty) on a talking motorcycle enters a sector where the population live under the iron hand of despot Prossor (Pleasance), who enforces his rule with mind control and a crack militia called the Omega. When he’s attacked on the road, Ginty crashes into a rock wall at full speed, and his bike explodes into a fireball. However, he wakes up unharmed in a strange cavern attended by bald men in strange robes. They inform him that he is ‘The Chosen One’, and it has been foretold that he will fight Pleasance to free the land and its enslaved people.

All Ginty wants to do is ride away, but he is persuaded to join a raid on the Omega stronghold to free rebel leader Professor McWayne (Harrison Muller Sr). Infiltrating the base through underground tunnels with Muller’s daughter, Nastasia (Khambatta), they succeed, but she is wounded and captured. Muller persuades the reluctant Ginty to help him recruit all the misfits in the wasteland, known as Marginals, and launch one last desperate attack on Pleasance and the Omega and end their reign of terror forever.

Worth’s film has a very poor reputation indeed, and it’s not hard to see why. However, given the hurried circumstances of its production, its shortcomings are understandable. These mainly revolve around the plot, which is a desperate grab bag of far too many post-apocalyptic clichés thrown together almost at random and with little overall coherence. After an extended text crawl, which heroically tries to give what follows some credibility, we meet The Rider and his talking motorbike, and we’re off on a crazy trip into the head of writer-director Worth.

The film opens with Ginty on the road through the wasteland, being chased down by the motorised forces of Pleasance’s regime. Although, perhaps more accurately, the landscape could be described as the countryside, as the trees seem to have coped pretty well with the apocalypse. I guess they’re radiation-proof. Anyway, we get no real introduction to Ginty’s character and find out next to nothing about him over the next 90 minutes. He’s a growling anti-hero who doesn’t shave a lot, wears a lot of leather and is as handy with a gun as his fists. That’s about it. Oh, and for some reason or other, he has a talking motorbike, which has absolutely nothing to do with the success of network TV’s ‘Knight Rider’ which launched the year before.

Unfortunately, whereas the humour surrounding David Hassellhoff’s ‘KITT’ was generally character-based, Worth leans heavily into camp. The bike, apparently named Einstein, favours us by identifying enemies variously as ‘Dorks’, ‘Dickheads’, ‘Veg Outs’ and ‘Very Bad Mothers’ and delivers its remarks in a squeaky voice accompanied by a chorus of electronic beeps. It’s so irritating that the audience is likely to cheer rather than feel sad when this technological horror is crushed between the wheels of Pleaance’s ‘Megaweapon’. This is a huge, unstoppable, smoke-spewing leviathan of the road that can be turned off by pulling out a couple of cables. Maybe Pleasance hadn’t left it on charge for long enough.

After leaving the vehicles of the Omega in the dust, Ginty is attacked by the teenage brother of the Feral Kid from ‘Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior’ (1981) and, rather stupidly, rides into a rock face. Fortunately, he is ‘pure in spirit’, so he becomes the poster boy for the revolution, courtesy of some monks who hang around on the set of an 80’s music video with former NFL Football Star Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson. Rather brilliantly, their troops practice fighting with swords and staff when Pleasance’s elite troops have guns, but this proves to be tactically sound as the Omega’s skill with weapons is limited to posing with them. Having said that, although they may be the worst shots in film history, they are very good at standing in high places and falling off.

Ginty and Khambatta infiltrate the Omega HQ, which involves travelling through both a mutant-infested tunnel and a goth club where the floor show features slow-motion performers in silver and black face makeup and fetish gear. Apparently, it’s something to do with pacifying the population who seem whacked out on mind control drugs anyway. To pass through the club safely, our golden couple must pretend to be brainwashed and ‘show no emotion’. Fortunately, this doesn’t prove a problem for Ginty, who looks mildly pissed off and vaguely amused throughout.

These set pieces are just a procession of barely related events linked by the thinnest of plot threads. Several of these elements never reappear and have no lasting consequence. There’s also a fantastic sequence where Ginty and Muller enlist the help of the Marginals. These are a motley collection of individuals: punks, girls in leopardskin underwear, martial artists, guys in lumberjack shirts(!) and a dwarf. There are even a couple of guys hanging around at the back who seem to be Nazi stormtroopers. It’s like the costume department bought out the entire stock of a nearby fancy dress store. It’s clear that it wasn’t just the script that needed another pass.

Before judging the finished result too harshly, though, it is worth considering the film’s production history. By all accounts, Worth was hired to make the film based on the poster design with no script or story in place. Sent to Rome by the producers a few days later, he wrote a 40-page treatment in a fortnight and was instructed to start shooting. Williamson had just finished another film and wanted to extend his visa, so he came around looking for a job, which explains why he flits in and out of the movie like he’s popping in for an afternoon cup of tea. Given these somewhat chaotic circumstances, it’s little surprise that the film is so bizarre and episodic. Worth had little choice but to throw every post-apocalyptic trope at the screen he could in the hope that something would stick.

So it’s quite surprising that certain aspects of the finished film aren’t at all bad. Obviously, the familiar faces in the cast help, but there are also enough supporting players and stunt performers to give proceedings a decent sense of scale. Worth was an experienced cinematographer who knew where to put the camera, taking a leaf from the George Miler playbook by slinging it down close to the road for the chase sequences. The pyrotechnics are highly professional, and an abandoned building just outside of Rome fills in nicely as a stronghold for Pleasance, allowing Worth to create a few striking visuals. There’s also a nice Orwellian touch as Pleasance broadcasts to his zombie army over a PA system, voicing such sinister platitudes as ‘We are very happy today, thank you’ and ‘Silence is its own reward.’

Unfortunately, the writer-director proves less adept in other areas. The narrative is poorly constructed, and the tone is often awkward. Mostly, events play out seriously, but some developments are so ridiculous that it verges on a comedy. It’s particularly baffling when the victorious rebels enjoy an extended singalong at the climax as giant balloons drop from the ceiling! Was the film supposed to be a satire all along? There’s also an odd coda that gives a sense that everything was only a tiny part of a far bigger story. Sadly, the teased sequel never materialised, so these vital questions remain unanswered.

The actors are mostly cast adrift in all this craziness, with Khambatta in particular ill-served. Much of her time is spent pulling silly faces and writhing around on Pleasance’s mind control thingamajig, which might not have seemed quite so ridiculous if Worth hadn’t allowed the scenes to play for so long. Ginty is too laidback and unsympathetic to make for a credible hero and is easily eclipsed by the effortless cool of Williamson, even with his limited screen time. Mostly, it’s up to Pleasance to strike the dramatic sparks with one of his trademark creepy bad-guy performances. He’s often close to chewing the scenery, of course, but mostly, he just settles for the occasional nibble.

Ginty was born in Brooklyn and played drums as a teenager with such rock icons as Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, although it’s unclear if he ever recorded. He studied acting and began appearing in guest slots on network television shows such as ‘The Rockford Files’ and ‘Police Woman’ in the mid-1970s. A recurring supporting role in the war drama ‘Baa Baa B ack Sheep’ raised his profile and led to a part in Hal Ashby’s Oscar-nominated ‘Coming Home’ (1978) starring Jane Fonda and Jon Voight. But it was the role of vigilante John Eastland in ‘The Exterminator’ (1982) that provided his breakthrough as a leading man. However, his films primarily ended up on the home video market and his TV show ‘Hawaiian Heat’ was cancelled after only ten episodes of the 1984 season. Later, he turned to directing for television and helmed the poorly received big screen release ‘Woman of Desire’, a Bo Derek vehicle that also starred Robert Mitchum. In 1994, he became the artistic director of the Irish Theatre Arts Center, which has been based at various locations worldwide. He passed away in 2006 at the age of 60.

It may be impossible to take it seriously, but it’s undeniably a good time if you’re in the right mood. Disagree? Bite this!

Battletruck/Warlords of the 21st Century (1982)

‘That’s too much lipstick and not enough napalm.’

The Oil Wars provoke a shortage of fuel and food, leading to society’s collapse. The military struggles to control the cities, while out in the badlands, a renegade Colonel enforces his rule with a reign of violence and terror…

Post-apocalyptic action in rural New Zealand, courtesy of co-writer and director Harley Cokeliss. Michael Beck dons the leathers to go up against ruthless warlord James Wainwright and his private army.

As the world we know starts tumbling into anarchy, outside the cities, the rule of law does not exist. Lone wolf Hunter (Beck) lives in isolation, refusing invitations to join the nearby rural community of ‘Clearwater’, whose residents grow their own food. Travelling one day on his motorbike, Hunter sees runaway Coralie (Annie McEnroe) being pursued by soldiers under the command of Col Jakob Straker (Wainwright). Rescuing the girl, he drops her off at ‘Clearwater’, telling her to ask for mechanic Rusty (John Ratzenberger) for shelter.

However, Wainwright is still after her and attacks the community in his fearsome battle truck, an armoured vehicle complete with machine guns. The farmers have no chance against his small army, but McEnroe manages to escape and seeks out Beck. Reluctantly, he agrees to help, but the couple is betrayed by traitorous farmer Judd (Randy Powell). Beck’s home is destroyed, and McEnroe is captured, leaving Beck to join up with the members of ‘Clearwater’ and take the fight to Wainwright.

Considering the timing of this film’s release and the plot specifics, tagging this as the first rip-off of George Miller’s ‘Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior’ (1981) is a given. However, the two films were in production simultaneously and ‘Max’ only made it into cinemas first by a few weeks. Director Cokeliss has always denied any connection between the two projects, and it’s fair to say that, plot aside, they don’t have that much in common. Of course, the original ‘Mad Max’ (1979) had already become a cult favourite, and it’s possible that Cokeliss and his team knew a sequel was in the works.

However, this is generally a more grounded vision of the future than its more famous counterpart. Cokeliss doesn’t attempt to build a heroic mythology around his lead character, either, and there are no outlandish costumes or bizarre villains. Although the Western has often been cited as an inspiration for Miller’s film, it’s perhaps even more appropriate here, with the action winding up with Beck pursuing Wainwright’s truck on his motorbike and jumping aboard, much like a hero might leap aboard a train or a stagecoach (although to be fair, he does take his bike with him!) Of course, the climax is not the tour de force of the closing chase from Miller’s film, but perhaps it’s unfair to compare the two any further.

The more realistic approach is laudable, of course. However, the absence of the wilder conceits of the many post-apocalyptic films to come means it lacks some of their entertainment value. It’s certainly a better film than most of them, particularly on the production side, but it’s not as much fun. One of its most impressive aspects is the battle truck itself, a heavy metal leviathan of the empty highway, roaring like a hungry beast. Sadly, there’s little to it than its striking appearance. There are a few electronic screens in the cab, but armaments seem to consist entirely of Wainwright’s men firing machine guns out of slits in the armoured sides. Similarly, Beck’s ride and helmet might look vaguely futuristic, but it is just a motorbike. However, these facts didn’t deter the distributors, who saddled the film with highly creative poster artwork, playing up a hi-tech science-fiction angle that barely existed.

Beck and McEnroe make for a fairly colourless leading couple, leaving the drama resting on the shoulders of Wainwright, who is quite superb as the renegade Colonel. Unfailingly polite, friendly and courteous, he’s still cold and utterly ruthless, without conscious or scruples. It’s a fine performance, assisted by the fact that the script takes pain to show him as an efficient military commander with a fine grasp of strategy. However, this makes the final quarter of an hour all the more disappointing when the script suddenly has him running away from a single man on a motorbike in his mighty truck and making decisions so stupid that he seems to have turned off his brain.

There’s a little subtext about the conflict between dictatorship and democracy if you look hard enough, as all important decisions in ‘Clearwater’ are taken with an open vote. This is contrasted with the supreme authority of Wainwright, but wisely the theme isn’t allowed to distract from the main story. Unfortunately, the virtues of the commune are presented rather clumsily and without apparent irony or humour. Before voting on McEnroe’s candidacy to join, we see her reading the ‘Cinderella’ story to a group of lovable pre-schoolers. It’s not exactly subtle.

What may linger longest in the memory, though, are the beautiful New Zealand landscapes captured by some truly gorgeous cinematography. They look genuinely otherworldly at times and make a highly credible setting for a post-apocalyptic adventure. The quality of the work here is a real surprise until you realise that this is a ‘before they were famous’ moment. The man behind the camera was Chris Menges, who would have two Oscars on his mantelpiece by the end of the decade for his exemplary work on ‘The Killing Fields’ (1984) and ‘The Mission’ (1986). He has gone on to win multiple other awards in almost 40 years since. In the same vein, the boom operator on the project was none other than Lee Tamahori, who is somewhat better known today as the director of James Bond adventure ‘Die Another Day’ (2002).

Beck was a hot property coming off Walter Hill’s ‘The Warriors (1979), but his possible elevation to the Hollywood ‘A’ list was derailed by his participation in the box office disaster ‘Xanadu’ (1980). Playing second fiddle to Olivia Newton John’s Greek muse with a love of roller disco was not the best of career choices. Post-apocalyptic New Zealand probably seemed like a good idea after lip-synching Cliff Richard’s part in a sappy love duet. Unfortunately, he buried his chance at big screen stardom for good by signing up as Barry Bostwick’s lieutenant for ‘Megaforce’ (1982). It was another big-budget flop and would be a ‘so bad; it’s good’ tentpole if it wasn’t so incredibly boring. After a couple more features, he drifted into made-for-television films and guest slots on hit network shows like ‘Murder, She Wrote’, ‘Babylon 5’, ‘Diagnosis: Murder’ and ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’ At the time of writing, his last screen role was in 2015.

Very professionally made with outstanding cinematography, but with little else to make it memorable.

Steel Frontier (1995)

‘You want to run with the pack; you got to be one of the dogs.’

In the post-apocalyptic wasteland, a small farming community is threatened by marauders led by a power-crazed warlord. Just as things seem hopeless, a mysterious rider appears out of the desert…

Mash-up of ‘Mad Max’ and the Spaghetti Western from directors Jo Hart and Paul G. Volk, which parades its influences without apology. This week’s Road Warrior is American actor Joe Lara, and his nemesis is played by rent-a-villian Brion James.

The appropriately named community of New Hope is rising slowly from the ashes of the old world. Unfortunately, they’re soon targeted by the Death Riders, the shock troops of the United Regime. This new world order is headed by General Julius ‘J.W.’ Quantrell (James), who travels the wasteland collecting recruits, willing or otherwise. The takeover is complete in the blink of an eye, and James rides off into the sunset in search of new worlds to conquer. He leaves the town in the nominal charge of his weak-willed son, Junior (James C. Victor), under the watchful eye of weary colonel Roy Ackett (Bo Svenson).

Hard on their heels appears mysterious ‘gun gypsy’ Johnny Yuma (Lara), who is looking for James. Pretty blonde Sarah (Stacie Foster) and her young son Lake (Billy L. Sullivan) look to him for help, but he joins up with the Death Riders instead. However, when she attracts the attention of the thuggish Charlie Bacchas (Jim Cody Williams), Lara steps in, and it soon becomes clear that he’s playing off gang members against each other with a definite outcome in mind. As the gang’s numbers begin to dwindle, the townspeople start to organise and look to the stranger to lead them into battle.

Certain entries of the post-apocalyptic genre are Westerns by any other name, so it’s hardly a surprise that some filmmakers chose to acknowledge that fact. Lara is Clint Eastwood’s Man with No Name, a loner who needs a shave, speaks few words and can shoot a flea off a dog’s nose at 500 yards. He may ride a tricked-out motorcycle instead of a horse, but he still wears a cowboy hat and plays the harmonica. Sure, Lara looks a bit like he’s just stepped out of a hairdressing salon, but he has enough acting chops and presence to sell the look. Just about.

The outstanding quality of the film, though, is in the well-mounted, tightly edited action sequences. Yes, this was a film released to the straight-to-video market, so there’s not the budget of a high-end Hollywood blockbuster on display, but there is still a scale to the stunts and set pieces. It looks a lot like a film made by guys who loved to blow shit up and had enormous fun doing it. The fact that it’s done for real also gives it an impact and a tangible quality that still seems to elude technicians working with pixels and software. The absence of the quick-cutting that plagues modern action cinema also grounds the action and promotes a good level of audience investment.

The story hits all the predictable beats, but that’s quite obviously intended and part of the fun. Lara deals out pages from his ‘Fistful of Dollars’ playbook while Foster and her young child bring elements of ‘Shane’ (1953) and dozens of Westerns that came afterwards. There’s just enough emphasis on these personal relationships to make an audience invest in the characters without distracting from the bullets and body count. However, one principal who could have benefited from a little more development is Svenson’s jaded colonel. He’s plainly feeling ‘too old for this shit’ and has had more than enough of James’ posturing and his whiny, useless son. Unfortunately, he’s somewhat lost in the shuffle here, with more screen time given to the James’ gang members, including the two directors who appear in extended cameos.

James is also absent from the movie for far too long. After the actor makes his usual psychotic impression in the early stages, the character exits the action for the bulk of the film before returning at the climax. It was probably a result of the actor’s limited availability, but it does hurt the movie. The name of his character is a nod to the classic Western as historical figure General William Quantrill featured as a bad guy in many a Hollywood feature. The Confederate officer led a notorious band of guerilla fighters during the last days of the American Civil War, and he’s still a controversial figure today. Some historians have labelled him as a ‘pathological killer’ and a ‘bloody outlaw’, and there’s little doubt that his tactics inspired many a subsequent train robbery and bank heist.

The ‘Mad Max’ vibe is heightened by the presence of the demented Chickenboy (Brian Huckeba), whose fashion choices reference the psychotic Wez (Vernon Wells) from ‘Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior’ (1981). The character is much less threatening, though, being simply the hyperactive, personal echo chamber for menacing gang member Williams. His presence is more as twisted comedy relief and rather one-note, but fortunately, he’s not afforded enough screen time to become a distraction.

Regarding vehicular mayhem, the action is restricted to a couple of chases, but they contain some excellent stuntwork and fine helicopter shots, particularly at the big finish. Of course, the raiders’ cars are stripped down to their frames and souped up, but there’s no real design commitment to the steampunk aesthetic of the rest of the film. Lara has a few interesting gadgets, such as electronic binoculars and a laser rifle, which he uses to shoot mutated rats for his supper. He also has a neat little device for decontaminating water. It’s a superb piece of design as the audience instantly understands what it does and has no need to know how it works. Some more information about the economy of New Hope would have been helpful, though. It’s thriving because it has an almost unlimited supply of old tyres, which have somehow been turned into a ‘natural resource’ (*citation most definitely required!)

Lara is best remembered for his appearance as Edgar Rice Burroughs’ famous ape-man in the TV series ‘Tarzan: The Epic Adventures’ which ran during the 1996-97 season, and in a previous TV movie ‘Tarzan in Manhattan’ (1989). He also fronted several action movies, primarily for television and video release, such as ‘American Cyborg: Steel Warrior’ (1993) and ‘Doomsdayer’ (2000). His last screen credit was in 2018, the same year he married Christian pastor and diet guru Gwen Shamblin, founder of the controversial Remnant Fellowship Church of Brentwood. Lara was also an experienced pilot and was flying with his wife and senior church officials in their private Cessna on 29 May 2021 when it crashed into Percy Priest Lake in Tennessee. There were no survivors. As of writing, the cause of the crash is still under investigation by the National Transportation Safety Board.

An efficient, well-executed production with some impact and scale in the delivery. It has a poor reputation for some reason, but fans of post-apocalyptic cinema should have fun.

Raiders of the Sun (1992)

‘Hey, relax, man! Take a laxative.’

In the aftermath of the nuclear war, the democratic Alpha League struggle to rebuild civilisation and maintain law and order. Their existence is threatened by groups of well-armed renegades and the conflict turns on which side will be able to acquire new sources of gunpowder…

No-one travelled into the atomic wasteland more often that Filipino director Cirio H Santiago. Even more than a decade after Mel Gibson hit it big as ‘The Road Warrior’ (1981), he was still making the trip. This time out our small budget ‘Mad Max’ is Aussie martial-artist Richard Norton (again!) who dispenses post-apocalyptic justice via his considerable brawn and arsenal of automatic weapons. But, unusually, instead of just focusing on him, we get two heroes for the price of one, and we spend a fair amount of time in the company of each on his solo adventures before they join up for the big finish.

Typically, Norton is the lone wolf, who doesn’t want to get involved. Everyone is an enemy to him, until a skirmish goes bad and he is nursed back to health by the mysterious Lani Lobango in her native village. This ‘lost’ kingdom is conveniently located in a thriving rainforest that has somehow escaped the holocaust (as rainforests do) and just happens to be sitting right slap-bang on top of a pile of explosive black powder. Of course, the Head Man wants nothing to do with Norton or his violent ways, until the villainous William Seis and his black-clad associates come a-calling.

ln the other narrative strand, we follow good guy soldier Talbot (Blake Boyd), whose homecoming is rather spoilt when the wife (Brigitta Stenberg) is kidnapped by unscrupulous warlord Hoghead (Rick Dean). Boyd infiltrates the tyrant’s gang, a process which involves a rather impractical ‘fight to the death’ while swinging from ropes. The Thunderdome it ain’t. Stenberg is worth it, though, as she’s not just eye-candy, getting free on her own and icing one of the main villains with a car. She does hand the wheel to Boyd afterwards, though, which is a bit disappointing, and not a great tactical move when you’re desperately trying to escape from a gang of well-armed cut-throats.

Getting a signal after the apocalypse was a pain in the ass…

This was a Roger Corman production, so it’s highly likely the split narrative was down to cost-cutting. Perhaps two crews were shooting simultaneously, as they used to do for old movie serials, or perhaps it was down to the availability of the actors, or other filming logistics. Surprisingly, some of the scale is quite impressive, especially in terms of the number of extras dodging flash grenades and jumping off rocks in the battle scenes.

At least it is until you realise that a lot of it is just footage from the director’s own ‘Wheels of Fire’ (1985) and ‘Equaliser 2000’ (1987). To be fair, it’s not that obvious, although it probably helped that both Norton and Seis originally appeared in the latter of the two older films!

Norton certainly had some good moves, and the (sadly) brief combat scenes where he uses them are the best thing in the picture. These days he’s working in Hollywood as a stunt man on such major projects as ‘Suicide Squad’ (2016) and ‘Ghost ln The Shell’ (2017). Rather brilliantly (and perhaps inevitably!), he also appeared on screen as part of the cast of ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ (2015).

This effort was written by old hand Frederick Bailey, who was also behind the word processor for Santiago’s ‘Future Hunters’ (1985), as well as the afore-mentioned ‘Wheels of Fire’ (1985) and ‘Equaliser 2000’ (1987), in which he also had an acting role. His story hits all the same old familiar beats, never straying far from the well-worn template for this kind of adventure. Villains only seem to have guns when it’s not inconvenient for our heroes, or simply forget to use them.

A predictable and anonymous project.

A Man Called Rage/Rage – Fuoco incrociato (1984)

‘But why don’t you send them? They were clever enough to find me and they only lost 20 to 30 men.’

Missiles fly and the cities of the world are destroyed. In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, various groups battle for the little uranium that remains. An ex-soldier leads a ragtag team into the forbidden zone on one, last desperate mission to obtain a supply…

What James Bond 007 was to the European film industry in the 1960s, Max Rockatansky was in the 1980s. The global phenomenon that was ‘The Road Warrior’ (1981), or ‘Mad Max 2’ if you lived in my neck of the world, was such a box-office success that it birthed a whole sub-genre of the science-fiction film. It helped that this happened to coincide with the explosion of the VHS home video market, so your local high street rental store was almost instantly submerged by a wave of titles like ‘Exterminators of the Year 3000’ (1984), ‘2020: Texas Gladiators’ (1982), ‘Stryker’ (1983) and my own personal favourite ‘The New Barbarians’ (1982) (aka ‘Warriors of the Wasteland’). Some examples also took inspiration from John Carpenter’s classic ‘Escape From New York’ (1981), such as ‘Bronx Warriors’ (1982), its sequel and ‘2019: After the Fall of New York’ (1983). Most originated from ltaly, Spain and the Philippines, although some had investment from the U.S. and other territories.

In this production, we find star Bruno Minitti flexing his pecs, striking a pose and rocking a black, cut-off t-shirt for director Tonino Ricci. Again. Yes, the two had already covered much the same post-apocalyptic waste ground a year earlier with the rather underwhelming ‘Rush/Rush The Assassin’ (1983). This time around Minitti is the ex-soldier gone rogue and one-man executioner, Rage. It’s a completely different character from ‘Rush’ obviously, even if the film was marketed as ‘Rush 2’ in some territories. The story opens with him up against a full army squad, a lot of whom he kills before finally being captured. Surprisingly, he’s then offered a job; leading a trip into the forbidden land to link up with ‘Alpha Base’ whose broadcasts are being picked up on the radio.

But let’s stop right there. Just who are all these people exactly? Minitti’s employment opportunity comes courtesy of a white-haired old man in a wheelchair, who seems to be in charge of what’s left of the regular army and the government that remains. l suppose. The mission objective is not to obtain the usual suspects of water or petrol, but uranium. Why? Because without it, everyone will die. For some reason. Perhaps it’s a staple of the post-nuke diet, who knows? Anyway, Alpha Base have lots of it. Whoever they are. What exposition we do get comes via various nuggets of clunky dialogue, featuring such gems as: ‘We have to go through the radioactive zone; it’s still dangerous’ and ‘Here comes one of our travelling companions, Omar, the electronics wizard and munitions expert.’

‘God, what a poser…’

But we’re not here for a complex plot or involving characters, are we? Which is a good job, considering what’s up on the screen. No, what we’re here for is lots of exciting car chases, stunts, and explosions! And do we get them? Well…no, not really. The problem with these knock-off films is simple. They were rushed out to cash in on a current trend and filmed on the cheap.

So there’s lots of long scenes of driving through deserts, stuntmen leaping off rocks (mostly in quarries), bloodless battles with prop guns and badly choreographed fisticuffs. The staging of all this is very unspectacular and proceedings are completely bereft of any of the odd stylistic and wardrobe choices that made many of its contemporaries such ridiculous fun. Which all helps to explain why it’s such an obscure example of this sub-genre.

Still, there are some things to enjoy for aficionados of cult movies. For a start, there’s Minitti’s character. He single-handedly takes out almost a whole army squad in the opening sequence (the best part of the film) and swaggers about like a real badass. When he’s asked to head up the main operation into the badlands, he angrily refuses, reminding his captors that he and his squad were refused entry to their shelter when the bombs began to fall (a sequence we never get to see, surprise, surprise). Perhaps he can explain how he’s managed to survive on the outside for so long since then? ‘lt’s a long story’ he says. And that’s all we get.

So why does he suddenly agree to take the job? Because everyone puts on their best puppy dog eyes when he refuses! Yes, that seems to be the only reason, although he’s obviously keen to nail striking heroine Taida Urruzola as soon as possible. Rather brilliantly, she changes from army fatigues into a very brief crop top and short shorts for the main action, although she does get to keep them on, which is quite a miracle, considering the vintage of the production and its target audience. And she’s not shy about shooting bad guys and beating up a bunch of would-be rapists, so that’s kind of sweet.

Getting in the way of Minitti and his merry band is Slash (Stelio Candelli) and his bunch of generic goons, who cheerfully provide the necessary cannon fodder for the action scenes. He’s pissed at Minitti because of a double cross involving maps of the forbidden zone (which no-one ever looks at anyway and the audience never even get to see!), although they apparently have some unfinished business of some kind from some time or other in the past. Or something. But he’s no match for one-man army Minetti anyway, who’s not only an indestructible killing machine, but also a great leader and brilliant strategist. Apparently. The evidence for this does seem a little thin, however, when his group run out of water about five minutes after entering the wasteland. Given the importance of the mission, it’s also a bit of a head scratcher as to why it comprises just one jeep and half a dozen personnel. Perhaps it’s because Minitti killed the rest of their forces in the first five minutes of the film. Not to worry about that mass slaughter, though…no-one else seems remotely bothered!

The Famous Five hadn’t grown up quite as Enid Blyton had hoped…

This is typical exploitation movie-making on the cheapest and most basic level. Knock out a half-baked script based on a popular box-office hit of the day, grab a dozen working actors, a film crew and some army surplus and head out into the desert for a week or so’s filming. You won’t win any awards but you’ll get a movie in the can and everyone will get paid. Probably.

This is one of the dullest and most generic of trips into the nuclear wasteland of the 1980s, but there is one scene in particular that deserves a mention. Reaching Alpha Base, our heroes don’t find any uranium but they do find a pile of books and educational aids containing ‘the history of civilisation; engineering, the principles of electronics…’ and ‘the science of construction, elements of philosophy, the whole of human culture, technology and science.’

‘With this, the world can be reconstructed quickly!’ exclaims Minetti in triumph.

As he brandishes a battered old VHS Videotape.

Ah, the 1980s… Where did you go?

Searchers of the Voodoo Mountain/Warriors of the Apocalypse (1985)

‘Oh supreme fertility god! Master and creator of all life!’

150 years after the nuclear war, a group of scavengers encounter a strange tribe led by a mysterious woman and her high priest, who seem to have created an idyllic community. But all is not what it seems…

Grade Z jungle adventure from the Philippines that starts off looking like a Mad Max rip off but soon reveals its’ true colours as a cheap knock-off of H. Rider Haggard’s classic novel, the much filmed ‘She’! This week’s ‘Road Warrior’ is Trapper, played by an impressively wooden Michael James, who leads a ragtag gang of toughs including wise old retainer Doc and a bloke who flips his shades on and off a lot because he’s just so incredibly cool.

After the usual scratchy mushroom cloud footage, we join our heroes in the obligatory abandoned quarry and get our first clue that it’s not business as usual in this straight to VHS post-apocalyptic world! These guys are on foot, they have no motorised transport at all. l guess the film’s budget didn’t even stretch to a couple of motorcycles. Luckily, they do have the usual leather gear with studded gloves and the ridiculously huge shoulder pads. There’s a dust up with a rival gang, and they join forces with a mysterious stranger who leads them to a nearby jungle. Although water is the most precious commodity left after the Earth was scorched, apparently there’s enough here to grow a rainforest. We find out later that it’s all down to a working nuclear reactor so that’s fine.

lt’s not long before they’re attacked by a tribe of dwarves in body paint who keep coming back from the dead. Obviously, the gang’s firearms aren’t really all that deadly, despite shooting what seem to be exploding smoke bombs. Actually, it turns out that the forest holds the secret of immortality, guarded by a 175 year-old Amazon Queen (Deborah Moore) who gets her strange powers from badly animated bursts of tiny lightning. Of course, she fancies James and the two of them get it on in a scene that no doubt featured prominently in the trailer. Unfortunately, this doesn’t go down well with the local high priest and things are all set for a final confrontation with the two immortals shooting laser beams from their eyes (accompanied by appropriately 1980s sound effects).

Paddington’s hardest stare wasn’t even in it…

Given the storyline, this should be a lot of low-budget fun, but the film mostly takes itself seriously. There’s little humour, and the acting is flat and disinterested. Director Bobby A Suarez is content just to point the camera at his cast and the stunt work and fight choreography are desperately uninspired. Worse than that is the lacklustre script which, despite the mix of ridiculous elements, never surprises the audience, with all the tattered story threads reaching entirely predictable outcomes.

James only had a short career in action films but his CV does include supporting roles in pictures with David Carradine, Klaus Kinski and Gordon Mitchell. Moore went onto more mainstream projects, appearing a little way down the cast in big budget biography ‘Chaplin’ (1992) and in a small role in Piers Brosnan’s ‘Bond’ swansong, the underwhelming ‘Die Another Day’ (2002).

This is a curious hybrid of a film, which you can’t help thinking was originally intended as a straight ‘She’ picture before someone thought it would be good box office to throw in a little post-holocaust action.

Unfortunately, the results provide a fairly low level of entertainment.

Equaliser 2000 (1987)

‘A warrior without equal. A weapon without limits.’

Hundreds of years after the nuclear holocaust, the Earth has been reduced to a barren desert. Notional government is supplied by the military forces of the Ownership, but several opposing groups are struggling for possession of the most precious natural resource that remains: water.

The international success of ‘Mad Max 2’ (1981) spawned a whole industry of cheap global knock-offs that went straight to the exploding VHS market in the following decade. This particular example originates from the Philippines, although some U.S. financing was involved. This week’s bargain basement Road Warrior is Australian martial artist Richard Norton, who gets to do little more than grunt, rock a leather waistcoat and participate in the endless round of slow motion car chases and gun battles that make up the vast majority of the film’s running time.

The plot, such as it is, sees Norton as a member of the Ownership’s forces who is betrayed by villain William Steis (for no particular reason) and then seeks revenge (um, for something else? Not sure really…) by teaming up with the rebel forces led by Rex Cutter. This heroic band live in The Compound (in reality, the side of a hill with a few lean-to’s and fences), and includes heroine Corrine Wahl and a workshop that contains the ordinance of the title. Norton sweats all over this weapon and turns it into a machine gun/rocket launcher so powerful that it seems mere possession of it is a guarantee of victory in any combat situation.

Director Cirio H Santiago had been here before with the seminal ‘Stryker’ (1983), ‘Wheels of Fire’ (1985), and ‘Future Hunters‘ (1986), as well as returning to the subject with his 100th, and final, movie ‘Water Wars’ (2014)! But here he seems less than engaged with the material, perhaps because the script by Frederick Bailey (who also appears) is sketchy at best, each new plot development being just an excuse for another mediocre vehicular pursuit and/or stuntmen flinging themselves into the air from rocks in an abandoned quarry. Actually, l was struggling to see any real difference between the actions of the Ownership and the rebel forces, but then perhaps I missed the subtle nuances of the prevailing political situation.

True love means never having to reload

Still, there’s plenty of bangs for your buck, a typical 1980s pounding synthesiser score, some cars with spikes on them, uniforms with shoulder pads, and no one ever needs to reload their weapons. Dialogue features such inventive gems as ‘The southern defences have to be held at all costs!’, ‘What the hell?’ and ‘You won’t get away with this!’ Emerging from the ‘We all have to Start Somewhere’ file is T-1000 and X-Files regular Robert Patrick in only his second role, here almost unrecognisable as the leader of a scavenger gang. He’d actually begun his career in Santiago’s afore- mentioned ‘Future Hunters’ (1986).

The whole enterprise is uninspired and formulaic, with only Wahl attempting to bring some life to the proceedings in a role as desperately underwritten as all the others. There are plenty of better examples of this Science Fiction sub-genre; the insane fun of ‘2019: After the Fall of New York’ (1983), the goofy incompetence of ‘The New Barbarians’ (1983), and the ridiculous hilarity of ‘Warrior of the Lost World’ (1983), all of which are a hundred times more entertaining than sitting through this mediocrity.

If you really have to see every post-nuke ‘Mad Max 2′ rip-off ever made… If you don’t, then you should really take a pass on this one.

Desert Warrior (1988)

‘You and Cortaz will get married so we can have some children who are not contaminated.’

After World War 3, what remains of the Earth is a devastated wasteland, poisoned by radiation. Some scientists have managed to remain unaffected in an underground complex, but the impulsive daughter of one of their leaders becomes a prize fought over by warring tribes out in the wilderness…

A one-eyed Lou Ferrigno saves the world on his motorised tricycle! Yes, it’s the original Incredible Hulk himself flexing his pecs whilst teams of stunt men dive off cliffs and smoke bombs go bang. This Italian cheapie wants so badly to be ‘Mad Max’ but is doomed to fail, not least because the production only has about half a dozen cars, and none of them seem capable of doing much more than 30 miles an hour.

Ferrigno is Zerak, who fights a nasty, oriental man in a tatty, cut-price Thunderdome on behalf of his tribal chief, whose actually more interested in finding an uncontaminated woman to knock boots with. Just for procreative purposes, of course. After all, the future of the human race is at stake, ain’t it? And things are looking up when spoilt blonde Shari Shattuck and her boyfriend quit the scientists lair to travel across ‘The Zone’ (just some desert really – oh, and a quarry!) We don’t really know why she makes him take her on this trip, and he is killed almost at once, but she’s the heroine so let’s just forget about it. It doesn’t matter. Taken prisoner by bandits, she’s rescued by Ferrigno, who sports a nifty eye patch and not much else. The electricity between them leaps off the screen immediately. Well, let’s pretend it does, anyway. In reality, they look at each other a little bit.

Bom To Be Mild

At Science Central, her father petitions the ruling council for a rescue, but they’re not keen. In fact, they make one lame-brained decision after another. The Security Chief has ‘Stupid Generic Villain’ stamped on his forehead and everyone looks like an ice cream man because they all wear white (they’re not contaminated, see?) Next door in ‘The Zone’, lots of smoke bombs go off, and stunt men jump off hidden trampolines and get machine gunned. To a pounding synthesiser score, of course.

Films like this stand or fall on their action scenes, but these are unimaginatively staged and very repetitive. Ferrigno doesn’t bring a lot of presence to the leading role, and Shattuck is an unsympathetic partner. The plot disintegrates over the last half hour into total stupidity, as the chief scientist discovers a treatment for radiation poisoning which he tries out on Ferrigno. This consists of using some kind of hand-vacuum to suck all the gunk off his face. Will it work? Will everyone realise they should be working to together to rebuild the world as brothers, after an ‘inspiring’ speech by our hero? Or will the camera pan slowly across a field of broken corpses because ‘we never learn’? Will Ferrigno and Shattuck walk off into the sunset together for a really, really long time? Or will we be left to contemplate the futility of existence and the inevitability of mankind’s coming oblivion? I couldn’t possibly comment.

This is really quite feeble stuff; a few familiar ingredients thrown hurriedly together to create a dull, generic ‘entertainment’ that trades on the name and reputation of its star without making much of an effort to do anything else.