Yes, all too soon it’s that time of the year. A time for reflection, to pause for thought, to wonder why I wasted my time watching all this cinematic dreck. As usual, I’ve listed what I feel are the worst 30 films that I sat through. But, first, a word of explanation!
It has been pointed out that my blog seems to be missing some big hitters in the bad movie department. Where is my review of ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ (1959) for instance? Where are my posts on ‘Robot Monster’ (1953), ‘The Creeping Terror’ (1964), or ‘Attack of the 50-Foot Woman’ (1958)?
Well, the reason is simple. I only review films on a first watch, and I saw all those movies years before I started this blog. Decades, in some cases! It’s why you won’t find any of the Universal classic monsters here, or many examples of 1950s science-fiction, Ed Wood projects, or Hammer Horrors. I’ve already seen them all (or almost all…!)
I’ve been watching cult movies for most of my life, and I have little desire to re-visit most of what I’ve already seen (can you blame me?) After all, there are always delicious new horizons of weirdness to explore! And what can anyone really say about ‘Plan 9’ that hasn’t already been said a hundred times before?
However, there’s always an ‘exception that proves the rule’ (a nonsensical phrase if ever there was one!), and that is ‘Santa Claus Conquers The Martians’ (1964). I wanted an appropriate movie for Christmas Day, so I watched it again. Obviously, this was an error of judgement on my part. A big error. As a re-watch, it doesn’t feature on the list below, but would be quite high if it did.
My sympathies if you’ve ever suffered through any of these:
- Lemon Grove Kids Meet The Monsters (1964) (d. Ray Dennis Steckler/Ted Roter)
- The Sky Divers (1963) (d. Coleman Francis)
- Come Spy With Me (1967) (d. Marshall Stone)
- Star Odyssey/Sette Uomini D’Oro Nello Spazio (1979) (d. Alfonso Brescia)
- Santo and Blue Demon Versus The Monsters (1970) (d. Gilberto Martinez Solares)
- Beyond the Bermuda Triangle (1975) (d. William A Graham)
- Adventures of Captain Africa, Mighty Jungle Avenger! (1955) (d. Spencer Gordon Bennet)
- Dr Orloff Against The Invisible Man (1970) (d. Pierre Chevalier)
- Stargames/Star Games (1998) (d. Greydon Clark)
- Alabama’s Ghost (1973) (d. Fredric Hobbs)
- Ultra Warrior (1990) (d. Kevin Tent/Augusto Tamayo San Román)
- Jungle Jim In The Forbidden Land (1952) (d. Lew Landers)
- Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century (1977) (d. Gianfranco Parolini)
- Mysterious Two (1982) (d. Gary Sherman)
- Manhunt In Space (1955) (d. Hollingsworth Morse)
- The Embalmer/Il Mostro Di Venezia (1964) (d. Dino Tavella)
- The Beast From The Beginning of Time (1965) (d. Tom Leahy)
- Luana, The Female Tarzan (1968) (d. Roberto Infascelli)
- Chloe, Love Is Calling You (1934) (d. Marshall Neilan)
- The Phantom (1931) (d. Alan James)
- Assignment Skybolt (1968) (d. George G Tallas)
- A Scream In The Night (1935) (d. Fred C. Newmeyer)
- Night of A Thousand Cats/La Noche De Los Mil Gatos (1972) (d. Rene Cardona Jr)
- Code 7 Victim 5! (1964) (d. Robert Lynn)
- The Big Blackout/Perry Grant, Agente Di Ferro (1966) (d. Luigi Capuano)
- The Wizard of Oz (1925) (d. Larry Semon)
- James Tont Operazione U.N.O./Goldsinger (1965) (d. Bruno Corbucci/Giovanni Grimaldi)
- Night of The Cobra Woman (1972) (d. Andrew Meyer)
- Slaughter Hotel/La Bestia Uccide A Sangue Freddo (1971) (d. Fernando Di Leo)
- James Tont: Operazione D.U.E. (1966) (d. Bruno Corbucci)
What have I learnt from watching all these movies this year? Radiation can be carried around in a box and gets in through the eyeballs, skydivers really like coffee, Frankenstein’s Monster can drive a car, giants are really just tall werewolves, you can rebuild the world after the nuclear holocaust by watching half a dozen old videotapes, and the land of oz isn’t somewhere over the rainbow at all, it’s just down the road.
Happy New Year!