One Million AC/DC (1969)

One Million AC/DC (1969)‘These grapes will make enough wine for the virgin sacrifice later today.’

A tribe of prehistoric people fight, shag, eat and shag again. Outside their cave, a ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex stands guard to prevent them leaving. However, one girl gets herself kidnapped by a horny gorilla.

Softcore porn flick from Canyon Films, a small, ‘specialist’ studio owned by Ed De Priest, who is credited as directing this from a script by Akdon Telmig. Our story opens with the ‘action’ already underway, basically couples in skins having sex in various cave sets so cramped there’s just about room enough to lie down. This sequence goes on for about 15 minutes, leaving little time for major story development in a film just over an hour long. The girls wear lipstick and eyeshadow (of course), and some of the guys sport cheap blonde wigs, probably obtained from a local drugstore.

The plot really kicks in after that, with our prehistoric heroes menaced by the huge, savage Tyrannosaurus Rex that has taken up residence outside in anticipation of an ‘all you can eat’ buffet. All efforts to repel it with spears are useless (well, the one attempt we see doesn’t work), and the monstrous beast has one of the women as an appetiser. Well, the bottom half of a Barbie doll disappears into its jaws, anyway. Meanwhile, couples are still having unconvincing sex amongst the plastic skulls and one enterprising guy is making cave paintings of them doing it. So he can sell them later on. It’s at this point that we finally realise that this is supposed to be a comedy. As well as a porno.

Dialogue alternates between endless grunting in most of the scenes (naturally), to others where everyone speaks like rejects from a lost hippie community. ’lt’s like going back in time to my first virgin sacrifice,’ suggests one of our be-wigged heroes. ‘Your first?’ smirks another, as if making a really funny joke. Cut to couple having sex. Yes, it’s all high quality stuff.

So why is this of interest now? Well, writer Akdon Telmig was only one letter away from an anagram of ‘Vodka Gimlet’ and his real name was Edward D. Wood, Jr. Yes, the ‘Plan 9’ auteur, often credited as ‘The Worst Film Director of All Time’ finished his celluloid career writing porno flicks like this. Sadly, there’s little evidence of Wood’s trademark awkward dialogue (or much dialogue at all really), but plenty of proof of the ‘no budget’ nature of proceedings.

One Million AC/DC (1969)

You see, I wasn’t joking.

The presence of the Tyrannosaurus may not be entirely historically accurate(!), but as it’s played by a cheap, plastic toy we really don’t mind. Filmed from a low angle by someone lying flat on the ground, it’s only visible behind a rock placed really close to the camera. An offscreen hand juggles it about a bit so it appears to be bouncing on an out of shot trampoline. It’s genius. Seriously.

There are some more dinosaur inserts from another source, most probably our old friend ‘One Million BC’ (1940) as all the shots are strongly tinted, suggesting a black and white original. Most of these clips are of such poor quality as to be almost unwatchable.

Predictably enough, none of the cast have very full resumés, most appearing in the same 3 identical titles at the same time. The ‘gorilla’ action is obviously a nod back towards Wood’s script for ‘The Bride and the Beast’ (1958), but was probably dictated by the availability of the costume rather than anything else. Consecutive shots are completely mismatched, with no colour correction being applied, and the camera is terribly static as it documents yet another wrestling match amongst the plastic bones.

No Australian heavy rock bands were harmed during the making of this picture.

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